Amazing new discovery

Ian forwarded this to me today and I sent it on to a few people at work. We all liked it so I thought I would share it.

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Guidance for risk assessment : the singing of 'Festive Songs'

Someone sent me this at work and I thought it was worth sharing.
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore a cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences. And be aware that over-zealous rocking could put you at risk of being prosecuted for harming a child .


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.
Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available.
Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.
Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles.
The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of AA routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption.
Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.
Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Over exageration?

Overheard in the gym yesterday and nearly made me wet myself with laughter!

Mother, with two children, one about six and the other about two, puts the brakes on the pram and takes the six year old to one side. Loudly and sternly (and with a very well spoken accent) she says the following:

" Now Harry, I want you to stop what you keep doing to Marcus because it is very naughty. You know, when you keep grabbing him by the chest and bouncing up and down on him. .. Because he's just a baby and you're a big boy..and it's very dangerous..and you could break his ribs.. and rupture his windpipe or puncture his lungs, or damage his heart, or make him stop breathing.. you musn't do it ever again! Now, I know he says he likes it ..but just because he likes it darling it doesn't mean it is safe.. and you are a big boy and should know better..okay?"

I don't really know why I found it so amusing since it is a serious topic, but I just thought the graphic detail was probably too much information and I found myself thinking that if I was Harry with all those ambivalent feelings towards my baby brother I might just be tempted to try a bit harder!

Wrong number

My mother gets quite a lot of nuisance marketing calls as she has never got round to registering her number for the telephone preferencing service. She is nearly 80 years old and getting out of the chair is an effort, so when the phone went this evening she reluctantly got up and picked it up. She heard a man's voice.

Hello..

Hello..she answered, cautiously, expecting a sales pitch.

Well have you got your knickers on now?

 She was a little shocked

Who's calling? she asked.

John, the gardener

John, the gardener??

Oh my God.. I think I've got the wrong number. He said with acute embarrassment in his voice

Yes you have! Goodbye!! and with that she hung up!

Cultural sensitivity

I wrote in a previous post about the French custom of kissing on the cheek when you meet a friend or acquaintance and that there were various customs and cultural rules about who you should kiss and how. Of course you can also use the fact that you are English and not sure about these customs to your advantage. Ian had to engage in some tricky negotiations about his contract last month with his agency. They are based in Belgium and the negotiator is a rather formidable woman who looks a bit like this.

 After some heated discussions they finally came to agreement but there was definitely some tension between them. When the agent visited them all at work last week Ian approached her with firm bize on each cheek and made her very flustered as she obviously couldn't tell whether he was just being a bit culturally naive or trying to take the p*ss!

Can't get the staff these days

Someone sent me this today and it made me laugh. I sent it to Ian and it made him laugh, so maybe it will make you laugh as well (and that is always a good thing)

Sentences typed by medical secretaries

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital
3. Patient's medical history has been unremarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left hand side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive,
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light.
20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
22. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
24. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
25. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and he crashed.
26. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
27. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 28. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Smile

Someone sent me this at work today which made me smile!

I don't know where it originates from so can't credit the maker I'm afraid!

Friday 13th Part 1

As well as being Friday 13th today is comic relief day. This morning my brother, who works for the Royal Bank of Scotland, sent me this email.

There are rumours that there will only be 2 banks left once the credit crunch is over, the blood bank and the sperm bank, both will still be run by bl**dy wankers though.!!

I have managed to 'get' at least 7 people with this joke so I guess I need to put £7 into the comic relief pot!

We are now off to France until Wednesday.

Social networking sites for the elderly

I am on Facebook but its a strange place when you are older. Most people my age are on it to keep in touch with their kids while they go off around the world! My 'friends' are mostly parents. When I do have a 'friend' under 30 I can't understand them anyway as they seem to speak a different language. Take a look at this from my nephew. Consider that he spent most of his formative years in private education and is not a member of any ethnic minority group.

easy bro hows shit in england.... im havin the best time of my life bruv...... call me got some heavy shit to tell you, your not going to believe it mate.... i cant belive it honestly!!!!! hope your good.... i have one heavy tan as well.... x

You've got to laugh

A friend sent me this joke which I found particularly amusing in light of health and safety man's antics!
If we applied todays standards to the greatest sea battle in history...

The scene...The Battle of Trafalgar 21st October 1805...

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it .......... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy. (The old ones are the old ones!)

I don't believe it...

Bergerac airport is very small and the only flights that arrive regularly are those of Ryan Air. There is no air traffic control for landing so if visibility is too poor or it is too windy the pilots have to fly on to Bordeaux or Toulouse and that is probably the most exiting thing that ever happens..that is until last week. A British woman had been doing a bit of shopping in the local second hand shop and as a present for her military obsessed husband she bought an old World War 2 shell. She packed this into her hand luggage and as it passed through the rudimentary x-ray machine at Bergerac all hell broke loose! She was arrested, all flights were suspended and the bomb disposal team were called. Her suitcase and its contents formed part of a controlled explosion in a field. She later said that she didn't realise it would cause a problem and was not charged (although I would imagine she was a little embarrassed!). (After all, you can't even bring a bottle of water on, let alone explosives!) It does give me a few sleepless nights to imagine what we might have to put up with in the bed and breakfast!

To bissou or not to bissou

This refers to the French custom of greeting everyone with a peck on the cheek. Well, both cheeks to be precise. I was under the illusion that absolutely everyone bissoued as soon as they met and although it is something that doesn't sit so well with my Anglo Saxon upbringing I was prepared to indulge for the sake of entente cordiale. However, I noticed that this cheek kissing is not indulged by all and there is in fact a strict protocol as to who and when. As far as I can tell, never biss on a first meeting unless absolutely everyone else is bissing; never biss with anyone older or more senior that you until they biss you first (up until then the handshake is perfectly acceptable), never biss in any kind of business meeting. Biss with friends, people your own age, people who biss with you first and all the English living there who seem to think that now they are living in France they can biss absolutely everyone! I never have got used to it as way of greeting!

Biss Biss

My knickers

Over lunch my colleagues were laughing about the fact that there had been a pair of knickers on the floor outside someone's office. No one could really work out what to do about them. No one wanted to pick them up and no one came forth to claim them! Eventually someone picked them up using a tissue and put them in an envelope to put in the lost property.

"They were turquoise Lovely. They would have gone quite well with your trousers!"

I thought carefully as I had actually made a special effort that day to put on some matching knickers but I did still have them on! I had also worn matching knickers the previous day but I had cycled home and gone to my French class that night in the knickers and put a clean pair on this morning. Still, the description of these knickers was beginning to sound quite familiar so I thought I'd better go and check and sure enough, they were mine! But how the hell did they get to be on the floor outside my colleagues office?! The only explanation I can come up with is that when I picked up my cycle clothes off the floor this morning (as I cycled to work) somehow they got stuck to a bit of Velcro and were attached to me on the way in, falling off finally as I walked down the corridor. Now as if this wasn't embarrassing enough this morning I had driven my car to the garage, booked it in, chatted to the mechanic, got out my bike, cycled to work..all with a pair of turquoise knickers hanging off some part of my body!

Well...it made us all laugh but I don't know how I will cope when I have to go and pick up my car (which incidentally failed its MOT and is going to cost £600 to put right!)

PS: I wonder how many sad bastards will find this post when searching google for lovely knickers!